My Awkward Train of Thought
by Yaoi flame
Summary: Nowaki wonders why Hiroki goes out with Akihiko so much lately... Written for vessto.


**AN:** This is my first Junjou Romantica fic. It is written for **vessto**. I hope you'll like it. And whoever reads this. All of you, please support the writer by posting a **review**. Sorry if there are any mistakes, I did this in a hurry.

I tried so hard to make this story in the spirit of the original anime. I hope I made it, and that everything is in character. If not, I apologize in advance!!!!

**Pairing:** Junjou Egoist (Hiroki x Nowaki)

**Rating:** M

**Warnings:** Lemon or lime

**My Awkward Train of Thought**

**Nowaki's Point of View**

I couldn't believe with my own eyes what I had witnessed this morning. Hiro-san had been sitting with his childhood friend, Usami Akihiko-san in the cafe near the place I worked at. It wouldn't have looked strange if it hadn't been for the approximity of their bodies. It looked as if they had been flirting with each other. Maybe they had kissed before I passed by and saw them together.

But I didn't mention anything to Hiro-san when he came back to our apartment. I thought I was being paranoid and left it all aside, to reside deep down in my thoughts and never bring it up in my mind again. Neither did my beloved say anything about his meeting with the writer.

I knew about the feelings Hiro-san had harbored for Akihiko-san. I had interfered then, and made Hiro-san fall in love with me. But, as well, I made him suffer. Not in the way Akihiko-san had, but still. And now it looked as if he had chosen the writer over me. Some kind of a reversed curse. I couldn't help but be worried. I would always feel anxious about Hiro-san, thinking that his love would magically disappear every second. I had always been paranoid about it, but now, it seemed to be reality.

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"Hiro-san...I need to ask you something" I began, not able to stand it any longer. He had been going out with Akihiko-san a lot lately. And he would always come home very late. Not to mention that we hadn't slept together for a while.

I didn't know how to put it. He was looking at me, waiting for me to say something, with that impatient look on his face, his eyes full of some kind of fury, for I had interrupted him while he was reading something which I can only presume was of some importance to his work. But I really couldn't keep it inside, horrified by the fact that my beloved was probably being slowly taken away from me, by somebody who had a larger space in his heart than I would ever have. Sometimes, rarely, but still, I felt that I was just someone who was there to fill in the gap Akihiko-san had left in his heart. Despite his words 'I love you' in the library, and the fact that he had been waiting for me for so long, the fact he had been so anxious and heartbroken because of me, I believed that Akihiko-san could take his pain away like nothing had ever happened.

"Would you say it already? I have to finish reading this before I go to bed." he said.

I started to fidget, trying to put the prepositions, nouns, and verbs correctly in my mind, so that the things I was about to say would be comprehensible at least a little. My heart started to pound loudly and my palms were all in sweat. I didn't know how Hiro-san would react to what I had to ask him. I didn't know if he would just tell me that I was a paranoid fool, or that I was, perhaps, right. I also knew that even if it were true, the latter my dear would never say for he was shy, for he was considerate, despite his attitude that would often tell otherwise.

"I've...well, I've been thinking how you spend a lot of time with Akihiko-san these days and you come home late, really, really late..." I scratched the back of my neck in discomfort. I could feel streams of sweat running down my back. "Too late for my liking." I added.

"Ah, it's nothing you should worry about." he waved his hand absentmindedly, still reading his book. Then he closed it and placed it on the coffee table. "Let's go to bed."

That night as well, we didn't exchange a word more, nor did we make love. Hiro-san would always say that he was tired.

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It had been several days since then, and nothing had changed. Hiro-san would always be out somewhere, would come home all exhausted, as if he had been chased by the herd of bulls or something. But this night, Akihiko-san came with him as well.

Hiro-san was in the kitchen, while I was sitting opposite Akihiko-san, who looked so calm, as always, as if there was nothing strange about hanhing out with _my_ boyfriend! I knew, he was Hiro-san's childhood friend, but still, it didn't give him the right to be with him more than _me_. Plus, Hiro-san and I hadn't slept for a week or two.

The atmosphere was awkward and very unpleasant. My boyfriend came from the kitchen, carrying a tray with drinks. He first looked at me, and then looked at his best friend, shook his head, and placed the tray on the coffee table. Not even once did he look at me. I watched them as they talked about some things I didn't know about, mostly about classical literature. I could see Hiro-san all passionate about it, and the way he devoured Akihiko-san with his beautiful, large eyes, absorbing every word that the writer said. Never did his eyes shine like that when he would talk to me. Never.

I lowered my head, feeling uncomfortable by all of this. They ignored me completely. I was amusing myself with the options I had to choose, taking into the account that our relationship was in some kind of a crisis. Believe it or not, I considered the option of leaving Kamijou Hiroki, the man I had loved devotedly for so many years. I found that I couldn't take it. I was not that much of a fool. I thought, if he would be truly happy without me, then I should just let him be.

"Hahahaha....Akihiko...blah, blah, blah..." I could hear him laugh at something the mister oh-I'm-so-better--than-that-brat-Nowaki had said. I shuddered. I hated it. Whatever it was, I hated it. I took a sip of my juice, letting myself think about what to do about this situation.

"Back to the topic, Akihiko...We will try it again tomorrow." I could hear Hiro-san say. I couldn't believe what I heard. 'Try what?!' They were talking about their sex in front of me! I couldn't believe how insensitive Hiro-san appeared to be right now, cheating on me so openly.

That was when I snapped. The images of him crying and telling me he loved me, and everything he had suffered because of me, were the contradiction to what was happening now. I couldn't let go of our past, of our love. My eyes narrowed, and I stood up.

"I think I won't let it." I said. I wasn't even sure where did that courage come from, but that was irrelevant. "Whatever it is, you should have told me. If you like Akihiko-san more than me, then, at least, in the name of all the years we've spent together, you should have at least told me you wanted him. You deceived me." I could feel burning behind my eyes. "But either way, I won't let it happen. You're mine and mine alone." I clenched my fists, looking furiously at Akihiko-san. "And you, don't you have _your _lover?"

At that moment, I neither felt embarrassed or anything; I was just making sure that everything what I wanted to say had been said. I was still standing there, looking at Hiro-san furiously, sadly, hopefully...I didn't know what to feel. I was melting out of despair.

As I expected, he was furious. He was looking at me, his eyes had that shine in them, just like that time when he had kicked me at the airport.

"What the hell are you talking about, Nowaki?!" he asked. Then he turned to his precious Akihiko. "Akihiko, I apologize for this." he said, his voice full of respect for the novelist. Akihiko-san seemed to be unfazed by all of this, but then, while lighting another cigarette, he said seriously.

"Now, now, Hiroki. I think we owe the explanation to this guy, since he seems pretty much confused. It's not fair that you play with him like this." he then addressed to me. "Please sid down."

Automatically, I did as I was told and listened to what this eccentric man had to say.

"You see, my lover, Misaki, got really angry with me, and he went to Osaka, where his brother lives. I kept calling me, but he wouldn't pick up. I decided it would be better if I went there and talked the things out with him, but I needed support. So I asked Hiroki to come with me.." he took another drag. "However, one visit to Osaka wasn't enough, since Misaki really got mad this time, and didn't want to make up with me. Because of that, it took more time than I hoped it would. And he's still so angry. The situation with Takahiro, his brother, is pretty bad now, as well. I have a problem with him, since he found out about me and his little brother, of whom he's so protective...I apologize if it caused misunderstandings between the two of you.."

I think I heard something about Akihiko-san being in love with Takahiro first, but then fell in love with Misaki. Or something like that. Hiro-san had mentioned it once, I think, long, long ago. Takahiro and Akihiko-san were childhood friends, as well.

I looked at Hiro-san, who was blushing in some mixture of embarrassment and anger.

"He would always come to pick me up from work, and then we would go by train to Osaka. The trip takes five hours in total(1), plus hours and hours of pleading both Akihiko's lover and his brother to open the door and talk." he muttered. "I told you there was nothing you should worry about. I'm not cheating on you or anything." he crossed his arms. He was sulking, as always.

Although I was confused, I couldn't suppress a faint smile of relief. I still wasn't sure if it was the truth, but I felt better.

"If you don't believe us, come with us to Osaka tomorrow." Akihiko-san offered. "Well, I'm leaving now. Sorry if I caused you any trouble". Before either of us could tell a thing, Akihiko-san was already gone.

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Hiro-san was looking through the window of our bedroom. He refused to talk to me. I approached and hugged him from behind, and despite the fact that he didn't struggle or anything, I took as the protest the way his body stiffened.

"Hiro-san..." I whispered into his ear. " I really love you so, so, so much that the very thought of losing you..."

"Stop it. It doesn't matter." he said in a serious tone.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought it was nothing of big importance. But it appears that it was." he admitted. I still felt anxious about the whole thing. "Anyway, you will come with us tomorrow to see yourself." he was still angry. But in fact, the one to be angry should be me. Hiro-san had made me misunderstand. Judging by his behaviour, every person would think he had been cheating on me. So of course it was a big deal. But Hiro-san would never admit his mistake, and I can't be mad at him. I just can't. I love him too much.

"Hiro san...I love you."I whispered, holding him even tighter. He turned to face me and I crashed our lips immediately in a fierce kiss. I couldn't hold back any longer. I wanted him so much, so much that I thought my heart would explode. He was kissing back with the same passion, wrapping his arms around my neck, running his fingers through my hair. I pulled us and we stumbled over something, falling onto our bed.

I straddled him, leaning down to touch his soft lips, to capture them into one perfect, loving kiss he deserved. I treasured him so much, like someone who is only mine and to whom I had devoted my entire life, body, and soul. I ran my tongue over his, slightly parted lips and he opened them more, kissing back. His tongue enveloped mine, massaging it tenderly. Hiro-san never dared to take the initiative.

We parted and I saw him look at me with clouded eyes, his face having the cutest color of pink. He always got flustered. I could bet he felt that way now.

"Hiro-san..." I sighed, realizing just how much love I had for this man. My chest wanted to explode.

"You really have the strangest train of thought, Nowaki." he says. "But I understand. And I..." he frowned and looked aside. "I owe you an apology, I guess..."

I couldn't help but chuckle. He really looked adorable.

"I hope that the train by which we will be leaving for Osaka would change _my_ train of thought." I said, amused by the play of words. "I'm sure of it."I nuzzled his neck, removing his white dress shirt, to expose his chest. "I love you, Hiro-san." I was glad that he didn't look mad anymore.

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**Third Person's Point of View**

Once naked, the couple felt the strange sexual energy spread around them. Nowaki smiled into the loving kiss they shared. They parted for a tiny second before crashing their lips in a more passionate kiss, tongues wrestling, dancing the wild dance, hot, wet, curious to explore. The friction between them was sending signals down two perfectly compatible bodies.

Hiroki wrapped his legs around Nowaki's waist, pulling him closer. His arms were wrapped around the younger's shoulders in a desperate search of warmth. This would be their first face to face lovemaking. Nowaki entered Hiroki slowly, watching every his reaction. Hiroki closed his eyes firmly, holding onto Nowaki stronger. He needed his warmth. He needed his acknowledgement, for he knew he had made a terrible mistake that almost cost him the one he loved so endlessly much.

When Nowaki saw that the older adjusted to the size of his penis, he thrust one more time, then another, and another, until he felt he couldn't stop himelf even if he wanted to, and he kept apologizing, but Hiroki ignored it. It was painful, but pleasant as well. The younger thrust faster and harder, clutching the sheets until his knuckles became white. Hiro bit his lower lip, panting and looking at Nowaki with half opened eyes; the very sight of Nowaki in ecstasy making him so hard. He was moving his hips backward and forward, in the rhythm of his lover's thrusts, to make the penetration deeper. His slim legs pulled Nowaki closer, encouraging him to do it harder and harder.

Nowaki was gasping and moaning, looking at his blushing boyfriend. This time he was blushing because of excitement.

"Mmmmmmmmmm...Hiro-saaaaaan......" he murmured, nailing him into the mattress, which was soaked with their sweat. "So...goood..." and he couldn't control himself anymore, ramming into Hiroki with all his strength, hitting the sweetest spot inside of him over and over, until he felt Hiro's toes twitch together with his entire body. The older barely managed a moan, gasping and reaching with his hands for Nowaki, who leaned down, and placed small kisses over his neck. The orgasm lasted for good ten seconds, coming out in several strong spurts of semen, over their bellies.

Nowaki slowed down for a second, seeing Hiro completely lost, as if he was going to faint. He was still rolling his eyes in pleasure and was desperately trying to breathe. The younger stopped completely.

"Hiro-san, are you alright?" he asked, concerned. Hiroki looked at him, wanting to say that he had just had so good, ming blowing orgasm, but bit his tongue. It would be too embarrassing. He nodded.

"I'm fine."

"Then...can I just...just a few more thrusts...?"Nowaki asked.

"Yeah, sure." Hiroki said, pushing him on his back, in order to ride him.

"Hiro-san, what..." yes, he was about to ride Nowaki. Just like he had done with Akihiko years and years ago. But this time, no one would have regrets.

Nowaki watched as his beloved moved his hips in a harsh rhythm, moving the foreskin of his penis so well, making it impossible for him to not moan. He grasped his lover's hips and helped him with the thrusts, up and down back and forth. Hiro looked so adorable, with his eyes so clouded with lust and longing, looking at Nowaki, doing his best to give him pleasure.

With the few more moves, Nowaki released his cum into the older, practically screaming, feeling the sudden warmth spread through his body. Hiroki collapsed on top of him, and then rolled to his side of bed.

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Hiroki woke up in a warm ring of Nowaki's arms, wrapped in the romantic warmth. The younger shifted in his sleep and murmured something like 'I love you'. Hiro allowed himself to smile, finding it was not that bad, to be wild with his lover, and to cuddle with him afterwards. One thing he had learned as well, and that was that they needed to work on their communication.

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**THE END**

(1) I researched a little in order for the facts to be true and discovered that the distance between Tokyo and Osaka is about 550km/340 miles, and that with the Shinkasen (a network of high-speed railway lines in Japan) takes about takes about 2 1/2 hours to get to that destination. So it's five hours trip in total for Akihiko and Hiro-san.

I hope you liked the story.


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